Archive | July, 2014

Journey back to my first love.

23 Jul

I am a mom who has gone through a journey through the desert but God has drawn me closer and closer to His promised land through this journey.

I grew up going to church, being active in church, living a very ‘religious’ life but it took walking through some really bad choices to live a life of ‘relationship’ with Jesus.

I have been married-three times. My daughter, Alma Rose, was born from my first marriage. When I entered my first marriage I was out of control, I needed someone to control me because I could not control myself. My husband was very passive aggressive but his words and actions kept me in line. I was really unhappy and thought if I had a baby I would be happy. So, just before our 3rd anniversary we had my beautiful daughter. While I loved my daughter, I lived away from my family and had no help with my daughter (my husband said it was my job to care for her so he would not help me) so instead of finding happiness, I became frustrated restless and discontent. When my daughter was about 6 I asked my husband to leave. All his controlling did was make me feel like a caged animal and I needed to get free. Immediately after he left, I invited a man to live with me and my daughter. He was handsome, paid attention to me and was exciting. He was also a violent alcoholic and drug addict. Without my husband there to control me, I gave into my desire to drink and drug too. I put my daughter in some really dangerous situations. When she was 17 she went away to college. I knew my husband was crazy and dangerous. There were MANY times I kicked him out, he would live with his mom for a month or two and I would allow him back home believing his lie that he had changed. After my daughter went to college she refused to come home for Thanksgiving. I had an idea of what was happening but my daughter spelled it out and I immediately kicked my 2nd husband out. It took many years but with long, honest talks we were able to heal our relationship, my daughter and I, or so I thought.

In early 2009, at 29, my daughter’s Epileptic Seizures got worse and were not responding to medicine, she lost her drivers license and finally, in Aug, she went to the University of Miami for a week long study for her seizures. About halfway through the week I got a call from my son-in-law to say my daughter actually had non epileptic seizures due to repressed memories and until she could work through this she would not be able to speak to me.

So I entered into the desert. At first there was some correspondence and words written can often be misinterpreted, especially when both people are hurting. Words written can not be taken back. Soon there was no contact, Thanksgiving came-no no contact, Christmas came-no contact and I think when Christmas came and went without hearing from her the reality of the situation started to sink in. I had sent gifts but got no acknowledgement. The New Year came-no contact.

I entered deeper into desert. At this time, I was not attending church-I was deeply hurt by a church I was attending that had a strong opinion about people who remarried after divorce and it wasn’t very Christ-like. Because I had no relationship with Christ, I fell into a deep, deep depression. There were two reasons and only two reason I did not take my life 1. My older brother took his life and I could not put my mom through that kind of pain again and 2. I could not cause my 3rd husband, my gift from God, that kind of pain. I was in such a deep depression that I think that is what caused my cancer. On Nov 3rd I had my appendix and ovaries out. Cancer was found in my perfectly normal looking appendix. On Nov 14, 2010 my friend invited me to a women’s conference. She said she felt compelled to bring me. When we got to the conference I learned the topic was God’s Grace. I can not tell you exactly what happened that day but a barrier between me and Jesus came tumbling down. Some of the ladies there said they would pray that I would find a church and strong Christian sisters to guide me. Within a month, I found a church and also Christian sisters to fellowship with.

My journey since has been one that has drawn me out of the desert and into the loving arms of my Abba Father and Jesus. I would love to tell you that Alma and I have reconciled our relationship but no, next month will mark 5 years since I have heard her voice. I am grateful that she still has contact with some family members and they let me know what is going on in her life-she moved from FL to CT, graduated Law School this past May and is now studying for her Law Test. My mama heart knows that Jesus is working in the unseen world and that I am not to lean on my own understanding but acknowledge Him in all I do.

“And I know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose for them” Romans 8:28

I love God and am serving according to His purpose.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and self discipline” 2 Tim 1:7

God loves me unconditionally and gives me a Spirit of love and self discipline.

“Be strong and courageous and do the work. Don’t be discouraged for The Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. 1 Chron 28:20

I am not discouraged because God is with me, he will not fail me nor will he forsake me.

And my verse that I pray every day over my relationship with my daughter:

“And Jesus said,’with man this is impossible but with God ALL things are possible'” Matt 19:26

God had done the impossible in my life before and he will do it again.

Not all mama stories are happy, I am living the consequences of choices I made a LONG time ago but the end of the story is not written yet. God has the final word. One thing I do know, if I had not gone through this journey I would not have the relationship I have with Jesus and I would not trade that for anything.

If you are estranged from your children, do not lose heart, God is on His throne and He loves you DESPITE the sinful choices you made in the past. Turn your eyes upon Jesus and everything else will be well.