Past, present and future….

28 Sep

It wasn’t too long ago, a few short years, in fact, that I would go to a meeting 4,5 or 6 times a week and say “Hello, My name is Nancy and I AM an alcoholic and addict. In my past, I have been an adulterer, abused drugs and alcohol, treated my parents poorly, was a mom that made very poor choices, addicted to the need for a man in my life, suffered from depression and many more things…all things I see today that were tools of satan used to keep me away from being the woman that God had intended me to be. I too, like Mary, sometimes have these labels still attached to me by others who refuse to see the woman that God has redeemed through HIS precious blood.

Through God’s grace and mercy I was delivered of my addictions on Feb. 27, 2000 and I have not had a drink or self medicated with drugs ever since that day. Yet, even though I had accepted Christ as my Savior in Nov. 1991, I was not able to live a full life in Jesus because I had not let go of those labels. When I finally got sober in 2000 I worked very hard at trying to make amends to my daughter, I had made some very poor choices that put her in danger when she was a child and although there always seemed to be something not quite right, I thought we worked through our past and were moving forward. Then in 2009 my daughter’s epileptic seizures got worse and were not able to be controlled with medicine. After many tests it was discovered she was having non-epileptic seizures due to repressed memories that had surfaced from her childhood. This devastated her and her only way to deal with the situation was to cut me out of her life. I have not heard her sweet voice since Aug 2009. I have tried to contact her, written her letters, and left voicemails to no avail. She has even moved from FL to CT and not given me her new contact information. When the holiday’s came and went in 2009 and I didn’t hear from Alma I fell into a deep depression, I didn’t want to live, I didn’t think I deserved to live but I couldn’t take my life because of my sweet husband, Bill, and remembering what it was like when my brother committed suicide-I couldn’t put my mom through that again. I suffered all of 2010-it was horrible and then in Nov 2010 my friend invited me to a Women’s Conference in Springfield MO. She said she felt compelled by God to bring me. When I got there I found out the topic of the conference was “God’s Grace”-I can not tell you exactly what happened that day but the wall came down and I fully accepted God’s grace. Today, I am not any one of those labels that are listed above. If you ask me who I am, I will tell you that I am the child of the King of kings and that makes me a princess! Sadly, in my daughter’s eyes I am still all those labels.
Through this entire time since my daughter stopped speaking with me God has been molding me into the woman I am today. I see that year of 2010 as the one where God had to smash the vessel that I was, moisten the clay with my tears, temper my heart with my pain and then I was able to be molded by HIS loving hands.
Today, I am an active part of Proverbs 31 OnLine Bible Studies, I have a network of Christian sisters I couldn’t have ever imagined that, even though they are states away, I can reach out to and guide and be guided in our walks with our Savior. I am the head of our churches Nursery and get to teach wee ones that Jesus loves them. We have a new worship leader who came up to me one Sunday recently to say “I just need to tell you what a joy it is to look out to the congregation and see your smile-you have a beautiful smile.” It brings me great joy to tell him it’s all because of Jesus. I used to feel really sad when I felt left out of activities that some were involved in that I was not invited to but now I find it pure joy. You see, today I know that everything that happens, everything I go through and don’t is because God is in control. If I don’t get to go somewhere or to be included in something it’s because God has a reason. I don’t have to know the reason, I just need to be content with the situation knowing that God is in control and He has my best in mind.
Today, I look forward to a future as a woman who is able to say yes to God without any reservations or concerns about what others may think. I have never felt Him closer and I have never been this at peace in my life. Recently the Proverbs 31 devotion was by Valorie Burton and it was called “Be Happy Now”, at the end there was a link to take a little test to see what your Happy Triggers are and I am happy to say that on a scale of 1-100 I scored a 73 which means I am a fairly happy person. A few short years ago that would have been a much lower score. I praise God daily for His presence in my life and his guidance in my life. I know as I continue to dig into His word and reinforce who I am in Christ that my life will only continue to get better. Even though my daughter has not spoken to me in four years I still have hope that she will because I have Jesus and it tells me in Hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful” and in Mark 10:27 it says “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” In my own power I can not heal the situation with Alma but as I keep my eyes on Jesus I know I have hope in the future to hear her sweet voice again.

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10 Responses to “Past, present and future….”

  1. jnewsomp31 September 28, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

    Oh Nancy, what a beautiful but heart wrenching story. Thank you for being open and honest and sharing. Just like Mary Magdalene, you are a new creation in Christ; treasured and deeply loved. Praying that He will mend the relationship with your daughter and continue to speak words of love and affirmation over you. ❤

    • nancysilvers2013 September 28, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

      Thank you sweet sister-your kind words and prayers are greatly appreciated

  2. Karen September 28, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

    I can relate in so many ways to your story. I am also a recovering alcoholic (16 months sober) and am just learning to leave my labels behind. Our old ways and person has died and we are made new in Christ. My mother still doesn’t speak to me because she attaches to the old labels. It has taken me some time to let go of that. I love your honesty and bravery in telling your story. Thank you for sharing!

    • nancysilvers2013 September 28, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

      Karen, One thing I didn’t mention that has helped me the greatest is Celebrate Recovery-a Christian recovery program for anyone with hurts, habits and hang-ups-there I found the love and support to get rid of those labels and learn instead to say “Hi, I’m Nancy a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I have been set free from….” I love identifying with the solution and not the problem. Praying your mom will come around as you continue to live a life free from your past and into the one blessed by God. God Bless you!

  3. bloggerlovestheking September 28, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    This was heart wrenching Nancy and I shed a few tears. What a beautiful but very sad story. Praying for you and your daughter. I know your heart is heavy. Praying that your daughter will fall in love with Jesus like you have and come back home just like the prodigal son. Hugs to you – precious story. So glad to know you and see what God is doing through your life. Hugs. Debbie W.

    • nancysilvers2013 September 28, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

      Debbie, thank for…my deepest prayer is that she comes back to the Lord-that is the saddest part of all this. My daughter confided in her youth pastor about things that were going on in our home that I was unaware of and his answer was to pray harder and stop being so difficult. I did not know this until much later. She is equating man’s imperfection with God. Man failed her not God. She is a very intelligent young woman that, despite the things she went through, has grown up to be quite a young lady (She is 33 now) but it’s all for naught without Jesus. That is my hearts desire-for her to know the Jesus I know-once that happens everything else will fall into place.

  4. Melissa S OBS Group Leader September 28, 2013 at 7:59 pm #

    Nancy thank you for sharing! I know our God is also a God of restoration. I am praying that over you and your daughter! I am so thankful for the work he has done in you, and he is not done yet sweet sister!

    • nancysilvers2013 September 28, 2013 at 8:59 pm #

      Thank you sweet sister! He definitely isn’t done with me yet AND is stretching me as I begin the next OBS as a Group Leader….totally a #SayWhat and #Isaidyes God ordained journey! 🙂

      • melissasherlin13 September 29, 2013 at 7:03 am #

        I am looking forward to serving with you! ♥

  5. Lauren September 29, 2013 at 1:39 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing your powerful story. Reminded me of the song by Matthew West, Hello My Name is…
    Your beautiful redemption, acceptance of your past, and hope in your future is inspiring. Praying for you, sweet sister, as you step out for Him.
    Lauren, P31 OBS Small Group Leader

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