Archive | September, 2013

Past, present and future….

28 Sep

It wasn’t too long ago, a few short years, in fact, that I would go to a meeting 4,5 or 6 times a week and say “Hello, My name is Nancy and I AM an alcoholic and addict. In my past, I have been an adulterer, abused drugs and alcohol, treated my parents poorly, was a mom that made very poor choices, addicted to the need for a man in my life, suffered from depression and many more things…all things I see today that were tools of satan used to keep me away from being the woman that God had intended me to be. I too, like Mary, sometimes have these labels still attached to me by others who refuse to see the woman that God has redeemed through HIS precious blood.

Through God’s grace and mercy I was delivered of my addictions on Feb. 27, 2000 and I have not had a drink or self medicated with drugs ever since that day. Yet, even though I had accepted Christ as my Savior in Nov. 1991, I was not able to live a full life in Jesus because I had not let go of those labels. When I finally got sober in 2000 I worked very hard at trying to make amends to my daughter, I had made some very poor choices that put her in danger when she was a child and although there always seemed to be something not quite right, I thought we worked through our past and were moving forward. Then in 2009 my daughter’s epileptic seizures got worse and were not able to be controlled with medicine. After many tests it was discovered she was having non-epileptic seizures due to repressed memories that had surfaced from her childhood. This devastated her and her only way to deal with the situation was to cut me out of her life. I have not heard her sweet voice since Aug 2009. I have tried to contact her, written her letters, and left voicemails to no avail. She has even moved from FL to CT and not given me her new contact information. When the holiday’s came and went in 2009 and I didn’t hear from Alma I fell into a deep depression, I didn’t want to live, I didn’t think I deserved to live but I couldn’t take my life because of my sweet husband, Bill, and remembering what it was like when my brother committed suicide-I couldn’t put my mom through that again. I suffered all of 2010-it was horrible and then in Nov 2010 my friend invited me to a Women’s Conference in Springfield MO. She said she felt compelled by God to bring me. When I got there I found out the topic of the conference was “God’s Grace”-I can not tell you exactly what happened that day but the wall came down and I fully accepted God’s grace. Today, I am not any one of those labels that are listed above. If you ask me who I am, I will tell you that I am the child of the King of kings and that makes me a princess! Sadly, in my daughter’s eyes I am still all those labels.
Through this entire time since my daughter stopped speaking with me God has been molding me into the woman I am today. I see that year of 2010 as the one where God had to smash the vessel that I was, moisten the clay with my tears, temper my heart with my pain and then I was able to be molded by HIS loving hands.
Today, I am an active part of Proverbs 31 OnLine Bible Studies, I have a network of Christian sisters I couldn’t have ever imagined that, even though they are states away, I can reach out to and guide and be guided in our walks with our Savior. I am the head of our churches Nursery and get to teach wee ones that Jesus loves them. We have a new worship leader who came up to me one Sunday recently to say “I just need to tell you what a joy it is to look out to the congregation and see your smile-you have a beautiful smile.” It brings me great joy to tell him it’s all because of Jesus. I used to feel really sad when I felt left out of activities that some were involved in that I was not invited to but now I find it pure joy. You see, today I know that everything that happens, everything I go through and don’t is because God is in control. If I don’t get to go somewhere or to be included in something it’s because God has a reason. I don’t have to know the reason, I just need to be content with the situation knowing that God is in control and He has my best in mind.
Today, I look forward to a future as a woman who is able to say yes to God without any reservations or concerns about what others may think. I have never felt Him closer and I have never been this at peace in my life. Recently the Proverbs 31 devotion was by Valorie Burton and it was called “Be Happy Now”, at the end there was a link to take a little test to see what your Happy Triggers are and I am happy to say that on a scale of 1-100 I scored a 73 which means I am a fairly happy person. A few short years ago that would have been a much lower score. I praise God daily for His presence in my life and his guidance in my life. I know as I continue to dig into His word and reinforce who I am in Christ that my life will only continue to get better. Even though my daughter has not spoken to me in four years I still have hope that she will because I have Jesus and it tells me in Hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful” and in Mark 10:27 it says “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” In my own power I can not heal the situation with Alma but as I keep my eyes on Jesus I know I have hope in the future to hear her sweet voice again.

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If any of you lacks wisdom, ask!

21 Sep

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

Gracious Heavenly Father, Thank you for all you are and for all you have revealed to me this week through three verses of Scripture about the Prophetess, Anna. Your Word contains so much wisdom that in my haste I have overlooked. Lord, please forgive me for my haste, it’s my hearts desire to search your Word for all that you want me to know. Help me Lord to take my eyes off the things of the world so I can hear you more clearly. I praise you Lord for the example of Anna. Help me Lord in my desire to encourage women with their walk with you, to show them how amazing your grace and mercy are and that you do not require perfection for redemption. The blood of your Son paid the price of redemption for me and for them too. You love me and them no matter what! Guide my steps and words so that they see you and not me, they see you in the words I speak and not me. Let there be less of me and more of you. Hear my heart Lord as I bring their needs to you.

Show me Lord where my walk is lacking and guide me through those areas so that I may of greatest service to you.

Thank you Lord that you can use an imperfect person like me to do the work you planned out for me long before I was even conceived. Thank you Lord that even though I veered off the path you chose for me you welcomed me back not only with open arms but tears of joy. Thank you Lord for all the difficult times I’ve come through with you so that I can reach the hurting and lost with a knowing, caring, compassionate heart. Thank you for your grace, mercy and love.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen